Surrogate is pregnant - but its not mine

I finally got up the courage to take my sister-in-laws amazing offer up! She had told me she would love to be the surrogate for me a few months ago if I ever needed one and so I reached out and asked....

They (my brother and SIL) called today and after a long conversation of them asking about what was going on and how I was doing they dropped the BOMB.

Unexpected and surprising (and very unplanned since they had finished making babies) to them - they have just found out they are pregnant. Can you believe it. I am happy for them and they are adjusting to their situation but if they are to do it for me - its another 2 years. I will be 39 by then!!

Its Been A Long Time Coming

I have had a huge mounting pressure on my shoulders lately and have constantly thought about how to get it out. I finally decided just to send it out into the world and at least its off my chest. The pressure is sitting quite nicely between my shoulder blades where it actually hurts.

I just went and saw my doctor yesterday about going through some more IVF treatment to get pregnant. I am now 37 and have been trying to get pregnant with my husband for 5 years. We have done the natural thing, three cycles of IVF (where the baby is made in a dish and then put into the uterus) and finally took some time of from that because the cost is ridiculous. Somehow insurance companies have managed to make infertility not a medical condition even when it is a medical condition. So - $60,000 later (mostly on credit cards) we couldn't get pregnant nor afford to try anymore. And it really sucks.

I sent a letter to my doctor asking to participate in any trials they have to finally try again and yesterday they called me in and may have something for me. However they need to check things out again and go in and look at my endometriosis which is why I have had significant period pain for many years and also what has caused all the problems with my ability to get pregnant.

Endometriosis is a condition in which the tissue that normally lines the uterus (endometrium) grows in other areas of the body, causing pain, irregular bleeding, and possible infertility.

The tissue growth (implant) typically occurs in the pelvic area, outside of the uterus, on the ovaries, bowel, rectum, bladder, and the delicate lining of the pelvis. I had lots of this growth and while they tried to remove it years ago and hoped through IVF that I could get pregnant, the only way to really get rid of the tissues scars from endo is to take out my ovaries. Not much help in having a bloody child!

Anyway - the discussion with the doctor got around the surrogates since so far I guess I have been a failure as a patient. Great embryo's and treatment and somehow the little suckers just don't like my uterus. As such it may be I need a surrogate.

Okay - big sigh.

Here is the thing - I can't afford regular IVF so how on earth could I ever have a surrogate which costs between $25,000 and the sky. I have three brothers and no sisters so family is out. My sister in law lives in another country (where surrogacy is a jailable offence) and we are not able to take a loan for this purpose.

So - dear blog - what the hell am I supposed to do. Its SOOOOOOO frustrating. What more - we looked at adoption but won't qualify based on our finances from having such a huge amount on credit cards (that we are paying off) for the IVF and also our business. We have never missed a payment but I guess it doesn't look good on paper.

Now I am not looking for answers - no one will probably ever see this - what I just need to say - why? And THIS SUCKS. Yes booo hooo for me.

Right - that said. Its home time and I need to make dinner.